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I hate mind mapping.

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Spastic.

some kind of beautiful

conversations are supposed to lag once every seven minutes. however, in my experience seven seconds are usually more than enough.

something's happened. or something's happening. i prefer staying on campus and in studio instead of going home, or getting another life in addition to Music, Television, the Internet, School, Movies, Money, Home and Family. or trying to make or keep friends. it shouldn't be this hard. i'm letting go, i don't want to try any more, i don't want to make the effort, i don't want to be monosyllabically placated. it's quite simple: you either are, or you're not. no amount of hiedstatt chocolate cake, sweet secrets' chocolate royale cake, black-eyed peas singles, gershwin broadway musicals, abysmal dinners at olio bites, weird drinks mixed with vermouth and bombay sapphire or lime in a martini shaker, canadian pizza, homecooked pasta, big ben's pies, absolut currant at seoul garden, thomas paine's common senses, huge pink gloomy bears, linkin park records, jet records, the ataris records, colin raye records, apples in stereo records, leather-bound diaries from bookbinders, guess watches, dkny watches, french phrasebooks, brown nobleman shirts, anna sui's dolly girls, hugo boss's boss in motion with deoderant and lacoste toiletries thrown in, ... and i'm out.

it probably happened when i turned right to exit the station in the direction of the library before i even could think to think about detouring left like i always do. like i used to do.

and, i know, this isn't going to stop me from giving or taking anything like what's above. but when i do it in the future, it's not going to guarantee that i mean something, care about it, care about you, even like you.

because, as i've said before, you either are or you aren't. if you don't like to wear your heart on your sleeve, you can't blame people for not noticing its intentions, or that it's even there.

i'm starting to become afraid of virigina woolf.

oh, and the beach was a bitch to watch. this should teach me to watch something because guillaume canet was in it, and it can't be that bad if he accepted a role in it, can it?

Shouldn't Have Done That

I couldn't sleep, and so rose and picked up where i left off with the book i was reading. Now i've gone and finished it, all four hundred and thirty five pages, and it's past three in the morning. Worse, this's the second of three loans from two libraries i made less than three days ago. So that leaves me with only one more book before i have to go back to one.

a house is not a home

i should freaking be asleep. but i'm too everything to sleep. i wish you knew what i meant.

there's a free breakfast i'm invited to going on in seven hours at TCC. no, not The Coffee Connoisseur, Temasek Convention Center. it marks the start of the semester and preceeds the talk given by the director before the start of every semester.

after that, i need to sort out my sister's school smartcard at Tiong Bahru, for which she submitted my brother's birth certificate in a cold-medicine haze. after that i need to bring the birth certificate to Lavender, where my brother needs to register for his identity card, which is a week overdue, once done i need to bring the smartcard to Toa Payoh to meet my sister.

i think i miss design school orientation. i only think i do because i wasn't an official part of it, but there's even a photo of me in the post-orientation online gallery [also: i need to decide what exactly it is i want to do with my hair]. the thing is that bits of it seemed enormous fun from the outside looking in.

i want my PowerBook back. i fear i suffer from abandonment issues, and i fear this particular one is at fever pitch. withdrawal is not a good thing.

the warranty on my PowerBook ends on the sixth of June. the same day our residential reprieve at Chuan Park ends. five hundred dollars will extend the AppleCare Protection Plan on my PowerBook for another two years. sadly the same cannot be said for Chuan Park.

i managed to spend over two hundred dollars at Zara without wanting a single thing there. that's what sisters can do.

my freshman-to-junior break is over. and i'm not really sure what happened before, during or is going to happen after it.

"Rory, the penal system isn't something to enjoy, it's something with a name that makes us giggle."
-Lorelai Gilmore, in Gilmore Girls 0522: A House Is Not A Home

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It's late.

powerless

why can't my fricking life pause just long enough for me to send my PowerBook for repair?

also: revenge of the sith is a seriously bad movie, free sneak preview tickets and complimentary jumbo popcorn and coke combo or not.

being adult.

"that was being adult. having a speedo up to 210 and never doing more than 60."

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I ate all this.

crazy for you.

i got rhythm
i got music
i got my man
who could ask for anything more?

0402

of course they would never really do it, but the very idea of trashing a PowerBook? is just wrong. is just unbelievable.

it'll be a cunt of a day today, i'm sure of it.

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Um, ew! (part two)

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Um, ew!

the showdown

The Return Of The Nana? wasn't so good. The Showdown? wasn't so good either. mostly because i cannot believe that they would dare to pull a stunt like having kirsten's rental Jeep Grand Cherokee be run over by this huge behemoth of a container truck. i was suspicious when she dropped her Motorola whilst drunk and talking to sandy, driving. i was still in shock when she narrowly missed being run down by some Chevorlet SUV. and when the fricking huge truck loomed, i gasped. the Jeep flipped.

yes, i gasped. hold me.

i should have suspected something when sandy took the Range Rover to the shop because he heard a weird noise, and got her a rental. the Jeep isn't a cheap car, but nothing compared to a Range Rover. that was handled rather well, though; at least the Jeep got totalled for real, and they didn't switch out the cars at the last second [Lexus LS430/Hyundai Sonata, anyone?].

i'm not loving any of the other storylines though.

also, on an absolutely unrelated note, i didn't want to do it, but i did, because i think i needed to.

the self-destruct button

"what's that saying? why do i keep hitting myself with a hammer?

because it feels so good when i stop."

reamed out

it's really fucking annoying when someone who sports golden hair, smokes copiously, drinks beer and once had his axillary hair cut off with a pair of scissors also owns the same piece of magnesium-and-anodized-aluminum razor-thin technology as you do.

i bloody fucking hate alvin chow.

the new channel 5 beat

i hate channel five's new coporate look. it is bloody irritating, and i do not fricking want to look at Verdana and whatever that other irritating typeface is every time i'm watching channel five.

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Originally uploaded by aklw.

it froze.

blinking lights and other revelations

it's beautifully delicious. i've only listened to the first disc, so i might be off, though that's not likely.

and i wanted to blog about something else as well. but i forgot what it was.

so, um, goodnight.

note to self, for future reference

the default action for a Motorola phone, when a Bluetooth headset connects to it during the ringing of an incoming call, is to accept the call with audio routed to the headset.

false calling

i just watched "Tru Calling" on Channel 5, because i was too lazy to get up off the couch after ER was over. and it was interesting, but cheesy and ugly, and it made it realize i would give a lot of things to be able to wake up tomorrow and have it be last friday. i definitly would have looked after my PowerBook better--at least well enough to avoid getting the mysterious bulge above the RJ11 port that i have now, been more careful not to drop my RAZR next to Emerson's pool and scratch it up, and been less of an idiot deleteing files off the digital camera so that i wouldn't need to spend fifty dollars on software that wouldn't even have been able to retrieve the lost files, anyway.

suckass.

it starts with "c" and ends with "t"

i guess this means i have too much money at my disposal. unable to find any free solutions or methods to "free up" solutions, i actually paid for software today. and it didn't manage to recover all the videos. i wouldn't be sore if it managed to recover the one i wanted, the one of my ex-classmates milling around Emerson's library just before the group photo was taken. why did my sister have to go and protect her silly videos, of which she already had multiple copies clogging up my hard drive, confusing me when i found my protected videos and thought they were hers?

should have spent the money on Salling Clicker.

stupid, stupid doofushead

i just accidentally deleted six or seven avi movies from the mayday party. fuck.

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This's just to force a publish on my blog. It had better work--you have no idea how difficult it is to find something not completely boring to shoot inside of Geriatric Rehabilitation.

kingdom of hell

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Originally uploaded by aklw.

this sucks. it cannot be worth waiting an age for an less-full-than-bursting-at-the-seams train.

the Saab 7-series

althought i cannot completely forgive them for doing it with such cavalier abandon and thinking no one would notice, i actually prefer the Saab 9-3 to the BMW 7-series as derek shepard's car. what is it with replacing cars at random on shows? what ever happened to continuity? some examples of shows that do the same thing but irritate the shit out of me: The O.C., where Marissa's Ford Mustang randomly changes from a coupé to a convertible and back again; Smallville, where Lex Luthor drives a different car on set EVERY WEEK, and any Singaporean drama series involving an automobile accident, where--as an example--a Lexus LS430 mysteriously turns into an old Hyundai Sonata at the point of impact.

once upon a dream

i woke and decided i didn't feel any better. so i cleaned up, ate, showered, and now am going to go watch Grey's Anatomy.

fools like me

such a bad weekend, week, then weekend.

in point form:

SATURDAY
-hobo@bank

SUNDAY
-went out for cake for rosemarie's birthday and meet-up with pre-break-up rong and dax
-asked my siblings to come over for pizza and cake
-brother throws tantrum because he missed bus and doesn't want to come any more
-we celebrate the birthday
-head back home with siblings to bring over the vacumm cleaner, stay over and do some cleaning-up the next morning

MONDAY
-i couldn't sleep until five-thirty AM because my father snored and the air-conditoner dripped water constantly
-at six-thirty my father switched on the television
-at six-forty five he fell asleep. incredulous, i switch it back off and try to get some sleep again
-at seven-thirty, he switches one the television again
-i leave
-arrive back at kallang and slept the afternoon away, after much effort trying to get asleep

TUESDAY TO THURSDAY
-sleep cycle ruined, i spend the week up till six, unable to sleep
-in a bid to condition myself back to normal sleeping hours, i only sleep four hours each time
-bid is in vain
-on wednesday, father calls at kallang at eleven thirty PM because he wants to draw four thousand--two before midnight, two after
-rong and dax break up, then fight over jamie
-i pre-order Mac OS X Tiger, one copy of which is to be delievered to ken
-ken realizes he will the in Thailand on the day Tiger is released

FRIDAY
-start to use caffine to jumpstart my day, hoping the crash would come at a timely hour that conicides with normal sleeping hours
-Tiger was to arrive today, but at an undeterminable time. put self on house arrest to wait for package
-Tiger arrived at seven, one hour after the official singaporean launch. which also happens to be dinnertime here
-installed and explored Tiger, then headed out to pick up my sister at Toa Payoh, where i develop yet another new-fangled allergic-to-going-out rash and buy an Oral-B/Braun toothbrush that turns out to not have a timer

SATURDAY
-brunch at Imperial Teochew Restaurant with grandpa, first aunt, second aunt, aunt-of-sorts and rosemarie, plus sister and brother as hangers-on
-shopping and wheeling at Takashimaya and Ngee Ann City
-back home, try to contact rong to settle on time and meet for checking out gramaphone's cd warehouse sale. she doesn't answer her mobile
-sister, who stayed out after brunch to meet with friends, calls me to go out and meet her for dinner. i agree, after listening to the extended ringing of rong's phone for several calls's time
-rong calls. i have to cancel on her
-i meet my sister, i picked up some things at Watson's including hair dye for my aunt-of-sorts
-we head to HarborFront Center to meet my other sister, who was at sentosa
-we meet Matin, who is malay, who my sister doesn't yet know likes her a lot, even though i can tell right off
-we blast through Cold Storage, and Matin takes off
-we are the last customers at Pastamania!, and they forget an order of Spagehtti Bolognese which they compensate for with a free tiramisu
-we head back to kallang, stop at mcdonald's, head back to aunt's
-we watch Gilmore Girls
-fin

SUNDAY
-wake late
-head out late
-arrived at emerson's enormous O.C.-esque house for fantastic O.C.-esque rager
-only one of my primary schoolmates still recongizes me [another two do because i've seen them just prior to the party], even though i recognize every one of them. apparently i've changed a lot
-mucking around, gossiping, catching up, reminiscing, generally having the best time i've had so far this year
-was in awe of what everyone was doing with their lives, though i never let it show

MONDAY
-near midnight it comes to light that one of my ex-schoolmates has had a lot to drink
-reports claim she'd downed beers, vodka, bacardi, red wine, white wine, a red/white wine mix and a improvised white wine and raspberry 7-up 'pink champange'
-spends the entire time from eleven to six AM in a stupor, running around the house, with the four of us that stayed over chasing her around the house making sure she doesn't fall a) into the pool, b) down a flight of stairs, or c) onto glasses she breaks
-near six AM she finally goes down and stays down. everyone catches about three hours of sleep
-wake, have breakfast, muck around the house, muck around the pool, shower/change, and we leave
-accidentally leave my custom-print t-shirt behind. will have to go back and get it
-get back to kallang around two, unpack, shower, gradually fall asleep
-am awoken at six. mother is here soon to take up to dinner for alastair's birthday, and anyway first aunt is back soon
-drag myself out of bed, clean up, and go. mom drives us to sembawang, to slighting cool-in-a-quaint-way Bottle Tree Town, where we discover the waiting time for a table is over an hour
-we explore the place a little and decide to go to Bullfrog at Novena Square instead
-on the way out of sembawang, drunken girl's mother calls. i supply some details, explain when and where she left us and what she said she was going to [an interview], and tell her what went on last night
-eventually i curtly told her that i met her daugther for the first time in six years last night, and that i have no idea what she did or was doing. wondering how the hell she contacted me, i end the conversation
-over dinner, my father calls, pissed that i his pre-paid card hasn't been topped up. i told him i was too busy, and didn't listen to what else he had to say, grunting when appropiate and flipping the phone shut when he hung up
-it comes out that my brother got caught smoking. it wasn't news to me, but my attitude was of nonchalance--it's not my life to ruin or save. i then decided that i had enough self-destructive people in my life, and that it was time to start cutting back
-i get back to kallang. they know about the smoking, because my father came over and shot his mouth off in a blind and sadly misguided bid to get my first aunt to take in my brother. i get pissed off, spend the rest of the evening ranting and talking to my aunt-of-sorts and rosemarie
-and here i am.

i cried a little on the way back from Bullfrog, in my mother's Sunny, to no one's knowledge. hanging out with my primary school classmates--i had never hung out with people that made me feel so comfortable with myself in, like, forever. and because of two major mistakes commited to my life, i probably will never find myself any more comfortably comfortable again, bar being invited to any more class gatherings. i dropped out of that social circle when my father screwed up my appeal into The Chinese High School and stuck me with Victoria School. i lost any real chance of re-entry when my parents and Ang Pow Chew decided it was in my best interest to retain me one extra year at the end of my first year in secondary four. now, out of Victoria and nothing real gained from it, in poly where i barely fit in, only going into the army when i'm an old man and the other '86-ers long gone and going on with their rest of their lives, i realize i'm going to be lonely for a long time coming.

i remember once telling matt that though i miss the idea and regret the ruined chance of possibly having continued my life into TCHS and keeping in that circle of Nanyang Primary friends, i felt that my second year in secondary four in Victoria School might have made it slightly less painful--i met people i liked quite a bit, i did some things i never would have before, i developed a real-er personality. matt told me then that that was rubbish, my life would probably have been much better had i gone on to TCHS; i couldn't miss what i never got the pleasure of discovering and knowing in the first place.

he was, and is, right. what i am now, six years on from Nanyang Primary School, is a lonely, ugly, arsehole who just spent an entire hour basically wallowing.

bonne nuit.

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i cannot believe i am still awake.