the facts of life

i'm sitting at the Dell, typing this out, because while sitting in the dark, crouched over my PowerBook sat on a folding table has never agreed with me, i'm only now starting not to accept it as a subsitute for a proper computing environment.

anyway, much as i think that the PowerBook G4 keyboard (which one day i must accept is also the MacBook Pro's keyboard) is one of the best in the world, sometimes you need a full-sized keyboard. i can't decide if the loud clacking of the Dell Quietkey Keyboard i'm using now is a boon or a bane, though. on one hand, it's a physical embodiment of the cathartic effect, so in a sense, it helps. on the other, it's just damned fricking loud. i wonder how the Apple Keyboard sounds like when you're banging an essay out on it.

what am i dong up at half-past three in the morning? i have a feeling that i might soon succumb completely to what ails me. the sixteen-hour periods of sleep and four-hour-long bouts of insomnia (hello, three-thirty AM) point to signs.

have i been thinking too much? maybe. at home isn't a place where you should have to hide. it seems, though, that it's where i do a fair bit of my hiding. things have been repressed, feelings pushed away, pretence in place of pobity. it's going to be three years since soon, and while it's started two years ago, it only got more difficult as time passed on. especially one year after.

but then again, if i think about it, it's been an entire lifetime of stashing things away. i am, after all, a pack rat, and nothing gets chucked away no matter how much it needs to be disposed of. that's why they tell you to compartmentalize--no one can force you to let go. i can hold grudges for ever. i can forgive in an instant, and in the short term dismiss it from consciousness, but i never forget forever.

i need something to happen. something that will change me, affect me, capture me, enthrall me, doing something to me. but maybe i should be careful of what i wish for.

i'm getting more and more tired. i can't keep my energy up. the old adage of sleeping early, waking early and getting a full eight hours' sleep has never worked for me, and forcing myself into that fixed pattern only makes it worse. the best i can do is distract myself with whatever happenes to catch my fancy at the moment, and see what happens.

may you live in interesting times.

Je ne suis pas fière de ça
Vie qui veut me tuer
C'est magnifique être sympathique
Mais je ne le connais jamais