sitting on the covered toilet bowl, crying my heart out, i realized that if i stayed here and cried for another week, it was unlikely that anyone outside of those who live with me would notice.
it was equally unlikely that the Ericsson lying just a few paces away would ring while i was sitting there, with me having to answer the phone in sobs, the person on the other end asking me if everything's ok. because no one ever calls.
the calendar outside read that it was the fourth day of the twelfth month. one wonders why arguments like this don't happen more often, considering the situation. but it's hell nowadays, and anniversaries, whatever they commemorate, must not mean anything anymore if this kind of shit could happen, with frank disregard for the anniversary that just preceded it. and all over a stolen bicycle.
wake up, starfuck. no-one's going to care. clean up and get the fuck out of the bloody bathroom.
i wrote the above last year. tell me what you think of it. if i become a writer one day, i will fit these paragraphs into one of my books.
i feel absolutely sucky. the number of friends i have [loosely defined as those i see on the MSN Messenger Service regularly and can engage in witty banter with without it feeling weird, as the normal definition if used here will leave me more-or-less friendless. thanks a fat lot, Friendster.] can be counted on the number of fingers i have, possibly with enough fingers left over to fit in my immediate family members.
the last time i saw/went out with human beings outside of my family was mosh.04. the last time before that was my birthday. and the last time before that was the PAE briefing.
and now that almost everyone else has some sort of tertiary institution to head off to on weekdays, i'm left alone at home on said weekdays. the only people i know who aren't going anywhere are Pat and Dax. those who are are Matt [NJC], Xuan [ACJC], Kenneth [Unknown - haven't asked yet, really should soon], etc, even Nick Tan [YJC].
you can only talk about so much with the JC-goers, after all. after asking them how their first day was, you quickly run out of conversation pieces. it's not like you're in the same room and can go 'is that a Nokia Fun Camera?' or 'he's trying to speak French, but je suis means "i am", actually' [goodness knows i already struggle whilst such conversation pieces are right in my face]. you start to wonder if it's all becoming slightly strained, if you should give up.
i've fallen out of the rat race, and it's moving on like i wasn't even there.
i miss school. it gave me somewhere to go every Monday morning. it made me see other human beings and decide if i wanted to attempt a hook-up. it would ironically appear that regimentation is what i crave now, going to school at 6, spending the day raving about other human beings, coming back at 3.
what really, really sucks is that even if i somehow, magically/miraculously woke up tomorrow and discovered that it was really Thursday, 2nd January 2003 and i could go back to Geylang Bahru Lane and take 2003 all over again, i likely would have done the same thing. shunning the person/people that tried to make friends with me, acting the arsehole/bitch, and flunking out term after term. then would come the year end, my seventeenth anniversary of life on Earth, and i would be back here, missing my life in school and the potential friends, and trying desperately to cling/clutch on to half-friends who are leaving my world, with only Two Weeks' Notice.
wake up, starfuck. no JC's going to accept someone with 35.2 points, and you'd better pray hard that you even score within 10 points of polytechnic entry. you've lost it. clean up and move on.
"There is no comprehension
There is real isolation
There is so much destruction
What I want is a celebration
And I know I can feel bad
When I get in a bad mood
And the world can look so sad
Only you make me feel good
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
And the love profusion
You make me feel
You make me know
And the love intention
You make me feel
You make me shine
You make me feel
You make me shine
You make me feel"
- "Love Profusion", Madonna
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