Amazing.

For the first time, i got logical instead of getting emotional.

31-12-04_0055.jpg

Where do i want to go today?

31-12-04_0002.jpg

I've just realized that there is no night rider bus service today. What the fuck am i still doing here?

Last band.

It's over?

This is the holy grail?

Doesn't look anything special to me.

Out to lunch.

Everyone's either gone or not here yet. And everyone will be exactly half an hour. And i'm here with two microphones, two microphone stands and six cables. Life is full of funny coincidences.

no, no, no, no, no, fuck off, everyone, please.

what good will jamming do if there are no mics, amps, cables, or drums?

i want to die and tell several people to go screw themselves. so i am going to turn the air conditioning on now and go take my overdue shower.

today is my aunt-of-sorts' birthday.

my Mac chimed midnight, and then it was. but she had already gone to sleep, so i tore a page out of my sketch book, folded it in half, wrote "shen ri kuai le*" on it the front, and placed it over her alarm clock.

*shen ri kuai le, literally translated into english, word for word, is birthday happy. see? the chinese have it all backwards.

until i figure out blogger template code...

this'll have to do.

you must come to mosh05, because i [and a couple of persons of my equivalence] worked damn fricking hard for it to happen. you've heard the story, if you read what i post here. so appreciate my efforts, my sacrifices, my sweat, my tears and my blood, and come!

almost gave me a bloody heart attack.

i found the gift tag. it was in a trash bag, ready for collection. someone sweeped it up and decided to chuck it. i will bear no grudges, it being the holiday season.

someone cleaned out my room.

i lost the one gift tag i wanted to keep. now all i have left is the asinine one from my sister and, of all the tags to leave behind, xuan's. it's not gnarly or anything. just not the one i want to keep.

now what am i going to do.

Apparently not.

All aboard!

Grace Khoo sounds just like Daphne Khoo.

and i know this because she just called me, because my sister diverted all her calls to me while she was in johore Bahru.

i'm home.

was that the last eleven thirty service eighty bus i will ever take?

hello.

why, yes, i'm crazy. and you are?

guilt, when i allow myself to experience it--provided it actually manifests itself in me at all, can drive me to do incredible things.

21-12-04_1403.jpg

This is the new me.

you don't drink.

but you smoke?

shit

I feel like a shithead, an idiot, and an arse.

stupid jam

i am retarded. fawwaz was going to go home at ten, and at ten fifty i am still crawling past the american club. he got me something, and i couldn't even be bothered to get there on time. stupid idiot.

the best customer support people work in the middle of the night

i always seem to get infinitely better service and support when i call customer care lines in the middle of the night.

do i want nine hundred free SMS messages, airtime rollover and free IDD? or do i want all-day free incoming calls? i'm more than ready to trade four hundred free messages for all-day free incoming, and i'll surely exceed the free outgoing minutes every month, so it boils down to free IDD.

i'll call my mom to call them.

fibogel

you know what? james sng is right. constipation is the only time that shit doesn't happen.

mush05

i am now certain that if i move my head too quickly, the mush that is my brain will slosh around noisily.

i have been ill for about forty-eight hours now, and my body aches all over, and my nose sniffles every couple of mintues. typing is an effort. flipping open my phone took so much energy i couldn't even start what i wanted to do [which was clean up the inbox because the phone is full].

brain is mush. brain is no thinking any more. mouth very dry. i woke today like someone sucked all the saliva and wetness out of my mouth [and not in a good way either, though how would i know what the good way feels like].

class that was supposed to start at nine but just started. it's about mickey mouse stuff that i don't have to pay attention to anyway. must go home to nap and get my health back. but must call Club Rainbow and damon for the drums. and maybe call the bands. and maybe fling myself off the side of a building.

FAMILIES AGAINST the CASINO THREAT in SINGAPORE

FAMILIES AGAINST the CASINO THREAT in SINGAPORE

courtesy of Colin Tan's MSN Messenger Service display name.

i don't have the time to really say what i want to say. but put simply:

do all children in Las Vegas grow up learning that it is OK to gamble? don't blame the effects of poor parenting on environmental variables that, frankly, have little effect on how your kid is brought up. where in the world can children be brought up without temptations and threats? the greater issue is making sure your kid is in a place where he doesn't feel the need, want or desire to give in to temptation or yield to threats. if you feel so strongly about having a casino in your backyard, move. it can't be helped if you can't parent, or your kids decide that you can't parent, no matter where you live, and whether there's a casino next door.

take charge of your children and your families. don't use a weak excuse like this for the downfall of your sad society. singapore and singaporeans may just be one big flock of sheep and herd of cattle, but to say that dropping a casino here is the apocalypse for us all is ludricrious. we are a nation with ever-populated Singapore Pools outlets, Turf Club booths and Star Cruises ships with casinos in them. what difference will this really make?

looking back on today

i am loving this song right now, i don't know why, but i am.

regarding the last two posts...

i put them up, because i originally scraped the paper in my sketch book with the full intention of posting whatever i wrote.

reading them now, i'm not sure i meant all of it. i know why i'm doing it. i'm just no longer sure the reason why is still worth it.

also transcribed from aaron's sketch book

for mosh, i went all the way back to Chuan Park to get the notes i took in my sketch book.

for mosh, i missed the last 853 to Geylang Lorong 1.

for mosh, i am now sitting on a bus stop along Boundary Road, like a terrific idiot.

why the fuck am i doing mosh?

transcribed from aaron's sketch book

why am i putting myself through all this crap?

oh, i'm not going to touch that one.

but, really, why is everything just so hard?

is it true that the harder you work for something, the more you enjoy it? i bloody hope not, because there has been many things i have worked myself to death for, but none that i ended up being able to enjoy.

to the point that i find that life is more bearable if you see it as a set of objectives, expectations, obligations. these are the right reasons for doing things. not friendship, love, care or concern. you don't want to die from living life, do you?

merde. merde, merde, merde.

the gmail invite that fawwaz oh-so-kindly sent to me has made it into my inbox. but after the frustration of confirming that userids have to be at least six characters, i got irritated to the point of nonsense when i discovered both "aaronkhoo" and "aaron.khoo" were taken. so i started being random with userid ideas. i tried names from The O.C. "ryanatwood" was taken, "sethcohen" was taken. i thought somemore and tried something else. i was just being cheeky with the system, really.

but now i'm sethulacohen@gmail.com

how many aaron khoos are there in the world?

choosing a gmail userid is hard. the limit is at least six characters, so aklw is out, and i can't seem to find anything suited to me. both aaronkhoo and aaron.khoo are taken.

random

the journey from Chuan Park to Temasek Polytechnic? is fucking abysmal.

i spent fifty minutes on service eight, and it wasn't a double-deckered bus either. and that's already having saved half an hour by having my mom drive me to toa payoh and drop me off near the bus-stop on her way to work.

i need sleep. i need coffee. i need to get out of here. i need to finish my class. i need to go to Tan Tock Seng after class. i need to go back to Chuan Park. i need to redeem Red Rewards and StarHub loyalty points.

but what do i want to do?

nescafe

in this ongoing class break that will end in five minutes' time, i have:

called kenneth to ask him about the wood he wants me to saw [though someone who failed Model Making last semster and must retake it now, which incidentally is the class i'm in the midst of now, isn't the best person to ask, but maybe i'm the only PID student he knows or feels comfortable enough with to ask?],

bought and drank a nescafe cafe latte iced coffee,

read ondine's blog, if only the lastest post,

downloaded four new [to me] Earlimart tracks,

and synced them to my iPod.

and, now, back to work.

dilemma

so, by being home over the weekend, i missed the fresh-from-the-oven rush for several television shows, sticking me with my eyes glazing over whilst i watch the ever-changing bitrate on the last one to finish. but i have school in about one hour. and today is a day where i have to wait three hours in the studio between my first class and my second class. if i bring my PowerBook out, i can entertain myself, but i would interrupt this, and i might never get a decent bitrate again. if i don't bring my PowerBook out, it might finish by the time i get back, but my entire brain might glaze over in the three hours at school.

what to do?

crashdown cafe

i arrived happy. going there and coming back wasn't the fastest way to get here, but hey, i wanted to do it and it was good for me. don't question or complain, okay? just... ride.

but, apparently:

it's not a good idea for me to bring my PowerBook home.

and i did, over the last weekend. my father knew already, which was really the end of it all. so what difference does it make that my mother and my other sister now know? i don't like lying, but even in telling the truth that i have a personal computer i've to tell them the lie that it's just a loan, of sorts, from my first aunt, because she's not using it and passed it to me. so i can't even live that little bit free-er and not have to hide everything and be sneaky around a place that i'm supposed to consider my home? i can't just leave my bag lying around instead of having to bring it with me, room to room, or lock it up, so no one will see the cat that everyone knows about anyway?

life might be happier if i didn't live in a home with people i'm related to. i can't wait to move out, or move in elsewhere, or with someone else. i can't even say anything, because i wasn't being berated, scolded, or argued with. i was being rationalized to, reasoned to, in even, reasonable tones that normally could invite debate, countering and negotiation, but experience has taught that this tone means: this is what i think is best for you, and you should not do anything else.

even the subtext isn't definite or controlling. but you know the meaning. and i definitely know the feeling.

sniff

my head hurts. my nose is running. i feel tired and achey. urgh.

I want to chase after you and throw my glass of cranberry juice on you

Because, you do not leave without saying goodbye.

i tell you...

... there is nothing more annoying now than the double-beep-beep of my 8910 or the low drone of its ringing.

you're wasting my life

good god it's three am and i need to sleep but i can't because i am purportedly waiting on an email from cheryl somebody who was supposed to have sent the email over twenty-four hours ago but is only texting me now to say that she's sent it and could i let her know if i didn't receive anything why can't people appreciate the fact that i can't work without the copy being provided to me first tomorrow i have to go to sim lim square to buy dax's new lcd monitor with him and install it and possible meet cheryl and fawwaz and go back to chuan park to pick up the eighth-inch mini-stereo to rca cable and possibly my new sim which has a crappy number and i don't think i want to use it should i tell people my new number there are some people i don't want to tell but to leave some people out of the rain would be too mean so i should either tell all or tell none man i need to sleep now.

Microsoft Publisher for Mac

why doesn't that exist? cheryl just called, and apparently no progress has been made on the programme for the ECGS party. i need a fast and simple desktop publisher that also gives me room to breathe and work in.

now all i have is PowerPoint. i can't procure [not to mention even learn] PageMaker, InDesign, or QuarkExpress in time. so what to do?

i just checked Mail, and her email's not made it through yet. i guess i'll be bringing my PowerBook out with me tomorrow, like it or not.

it was time.

or was it? i feel like throwing up, and that can't be good.

"it's like we're standing in the same room and he won't even talk to me."

i don't know what is thought about it, but i don't like signing on, saying nothing, and then signing off because nothing's been said.

and i've long tired of having to constantly make an effort to order to have just a sliver of conversation.

bonne nuit. i have school tomorrow.

suddenly...

i feel completely and utterly alone.

the onset of school, tomorrow, doesn't help, either.

e, motion, less

i had a lot to say. but now i just feel hollow and worn out.

just because i obviously didn't mean it when i said it doesn't mean it didn't hurt when i heard it. i kept switching my phone off and on, because the heart would rather believe that the phone was screwed up. the brain knew the SIM slot was dodgy, but it also knew it was more likely that the feelings you have for your own birthday were mutual.

i left in the middle of my own party. i'm not going to say something stupid, like that i can't even think of eating the paralines now because they seem to reek of smokes, but even though i know should eventually consume them, i can't, really. though, come to think of it--millions of people can't be wrong!

a nice dinner and nice gifts do not make a happy birthday. and let's not try again next year, because if i make it to the next one, i'm probably just going to disappear. you can't be disappointed if you remove all hope. it was what i was going to do this year, anyway. it's just that i knew that they put effort, time, and money into it. but this is fair warning. not everything needs to be a surprise.

i've been crushed, disappointed, had my heart broken, been pissed about and pissed off, had too much hope and suffered the letdown, and right here, moped, brooded, and quoted the simpsons.

this birthday is officially over. it's my party, and i'll cry if i want to.

now if only i could cry.

I've left

As above.

in other news...

PBF048BCTodayismyBirthday
Originally uploaded by aklw.

... BitTorrent has been slow for me of late.

there it goes

the wish for a quiet birthday. not neccesarily lonely, but quiet. go somewhere where no one knows it's my birthday, even if it's a Nanyang party. Nokia Care Center and AppleCare Center? sure, why not. chase paper, chase strangers, chase parts, chase titanium covers, PowerBook hinges, owed coffees and broken microphones.

i was going to see if there was any chance i could just go out, quietly, with one or two people.

he gave in before i ran out of evasiveness. calling and hanging up. very mature. also very clever, what with the advent of Caller ID and all. also, like i keep saying, mis-sent messages are very dangerous.

i could have gotten out of here if i wanted to, at any time. i mean, think about it. it's my birthday, they'd give up some time to let me out [after all, we're not talking about my father or my mother here], it's all dependent on whether i want to.

and do i want to? the answer is no.

i don't want to do the whole gather-a-ginormous-amount-of-people-and-blow-candles thing. how many people in that number can i consider my friends? or, in fact, how many should i consider my friends? do i know all the people present? do i really know anyone present?

i don't need that, ever. not in any time of my life do i need that. my birthday is no exception.

kenneth asked me if i was pissed. i told him weeks ago that, not that i was saying anyone was definitely going to do anything for me, but if you catch wind of anyone trying to, could you tell them not to? when he called and hung up, i got pissed off; not only were they trying to spring something onto me, kenneth was involved. but by the time he asked me i was done being pissed. so i told him that i wasn't pissed, only because i was telling myself not to.

what should i do now? go and fake it? or piss everyone off? i don't want to do either. that's why, even when xuan broke down and told me what he was trying to do, i still told him i didn't want to go over. even though my sister was going to come and look after my granddad. so why am i going? the time, effort and money expended. tell me what you want, what i should do, how i should act. because i know i won't do the right thing.

i already know jensen's not going to be there, because he's going to L.A. as for who else i would've liked to see there, if i had actually wanted this, well who knows. it's ironic that several days after deciding it and then deciding against blogging about it [it being my being fed-up with people contacting me solely for technical support], someone tries to play me out with just that. it matters not whether i thought i smelt a rat. even if i didn't, i wouldn't have gone. this, however, doesn't mean i mind doing technical support, in general. for some people, i am always at your service. but if you haven't talked to me in ages or don't talk to me normally, don't expect any favours, unless you're lucky and i'm feeling charitable when you ask. but you combine the recent desicion and my recent mood and no dice, xuan. and all this is assuming i didn't think i smelt a rat.

i'm tired. the irritation is still coarsing through my veins, and normally i would stand a better chance of spontaneously combusting or dying than falling asleep when i'm like this, but the steriod pill i'm trying out for my ezcema knocks me out completely. alors, bonne nuit et au revoir.

it's my party, and i'll cry if i want to.

a very queer goodbye

but i don't really mind.

AppleCare

so it was just a faulty AC adaptor. popped over to AppleCentre@Orchard to see what was wrong, and then went to the AppleCare centre at Ang Mo Kio to exchange the adaptor for a new one. and i got the last one currently in stock, too.

originally meant to go get my Nokia checked out at the Nokia Care Center in Wheelock while i was there, but jensen wanted to go grab lunch at Burger King whilst waiting for my number [129] to be called, but by the time we got back to the NCC they'd already called 130 and were calling 131.

my contact lenses suck. must do that protein removal thing tonight. had to go to that optical shop opposite Substance and buy a contact lens case and ask for them to squirt some solution inside so i could take out my lenses and wear my glasses. which part of my brain decided to bring glasses out but not the contact lens case?

and the return of BastardDad: last night when the money arrived he, very politely and nicely, called and told me to transfer a thousand to my mom's account and drawn four thousand so he could collect it tomorrow. when i told him i was going to take a thousand out of his four to buy the V3, he near blew up and went back to the same person who threw me out the house. i asked him what he needed four thousand for, and he said he needed "living expenses". which is read as "beer and betting money". his four grand won't last him four days. so, fed up with yet another broken promise [bet/Motorola Razr V3], i told him i won't be in tomorrow, and he would have to get it from whoever was in here. miffed, he asked where i was going tomorrow.

i told him, "what business is it of yours?"

so last night was the first time i spent two days in a McDonald's, waiting for midnight to arrive with my sister. we ate, sat, talked, i called jensen, and once it was past midnight i withdrew another two thousand to make the four. i returned every cent of the remittance to him, down to the last twenty-eight cents.

fuck off

so. today, my PowerBook broke.

and. my father refuses to give me the money he owes me for the V3. fuck him. i'll give him back all the money, down to the last twenty-eight cents.

and! during the current commercial break for singapore idol, the Motorola Razr V3 ad played.