there it goes

the wish for a quiet birthday. not neccesarily lonely, but quiet. go somewhere where no one knows it's my birthday, even if it's a Nanyang party. Nokia Care Center and AppleCare Center? sure, why not. chase paper, chase strangers, chase parts, chase titanium covers, PowerBook hinges, owed coffees and broken microphones.

i was going to see if there was any chance i could just go out, quietly, with one or two people.

he gave in before i ran out of evasiveness. calling and hanging up. very mature. also very clever, what with the advent of Caller ID and all. also, like i keep saying, mis-sent messages are very dangerous.

i could have gotten out of here if i wanted to, at any time. i mean, think about it. it's my birthday, they'd give up some time to let me out [after all, we're not talking about my father or my mother here], it's all dependent on whether i want to.

and do i want to? the answer is no.

i don't want to do the whole gather-a-ginormous-amount-of-people-and-blow-candles thing. how many people in that number can i consider my friends? or, in fact, how many should i consider my friends? do i know all the people present? do i really know anyone present?

i don't need that, ever. not in any time of my life do i need that. my birthday is no exception.

kenneth asked me if i was pissed. i told him weeks ago that, not that i was saying anyone was definitely going to do anything for me, but if you catch wind of anyone trying to, could you tell them not to? when he called and hung up, i got pissed off; not only were they trying to spring something onto me, kenneth was involved. but by the time he asked me i was done being pissed. so i told him that i wasn't pissed, only because i was telling myself not to.

what should i do now? go and fake it? or piss everyone off? i don't want to do either. that's why, even when xuan broke down and told me what he was trying to do, i still told him i didn't want to go over. even though my sister was going to come and look after my granddad. so why am i going? the time, effort and money expended. tell me what you want, what i should do, how i should act. because i know i won't do the right thing.

i already know jensen's not going to be there, because he's going to L.A. as for who else i would've liked to see there, if i had actually wanted this, well who knows. it's ironic that several days after deciding it and then deciding against blogging about it [it being my being fed-up with people contacting me solely for technical support], someone tries to play me out with just that. it matters not whether i thought i smelt a rat. even if i didn't, i wouldn't have gone. this, however, doesn't mean i mind doing technical support, in general. for some people, i am always at your service. but if you haven't talked to me in ages or don't talk to me normally, don't expect any favours, unless you're lucky and i'm feeling charitable when you ask. but you combine the recent desicion and my recent mood and no dice, xuan. and all this is assuming i didn't think i smelt a rat.

i'm tired. the irritation is still coarsing through my veins, and normally i would stand a better chance of spontaneously combusting or dying than falling asleep when i'm like this, but the steriod pill i'm trying out for my ezcema knocks me out completely. alors, bonne nuit et au revoir.

it's my party, and i'll cry if i want to.