Tuesday, January 10
santa maria
why do i get the sudden, rolling, ominous feeling like i've screwed everything up, and there' no more hope, and i should give up?
Monday, January 9
von trapped
"if this isn't the theater showing Memoirs Of A Geisha, then why are all these people coming out going 'eehhh.' ?"
Sunday, January 8
jaguar/birthday
time goes by. my grandfather's birthday is next weekend--i'm happy he's making it past another year and all, but it means i can't go out next weekend as well. not that i had anywhere in particular to go this weekend, but it was sort-of consoling that i couldn't have gone anyway. two weeks in a row, though, and it's just depressing.
my first uncle's jaguar x-type is broken. the air-conditioner doesn't work, and the engine keeps running even after the ignition is turned off. so they're in the hyundai sonata today. both are the same shade of odious champagne gold.
my wheelchair aunt forced herself into lunch today, displacing my grandfather at the table. considering she's normally off at a corner meditating to avoid having to socialize over lunch, this is unwelcome and annoying. it tends to be that under normal circumstances, she adds little to an event, but takes away a lot.
i have forgotten the point of this post.
my first uncle's jaguar x-type is broken. the air-conditioner doesn't work, and the engine keeps running even after the ignition is turned off. so they're in the hyundai sonata today. both are the same shade of odious champagne gold.
my wheelchair aunt forced herself into lunch today, displacing my grandfather at the table. considering she's normally off at a corner meditating to avoid having to socialize over lunch, this is unwelcome and annoying. it tends to be that under normal circumstances, she adds little to an event, but takes away a lot.
i have forgotten the point of this post.
old/shit, new/shit
a new Stargate Atlantis is ready for the watching, but i decided to save it for tonight, the end of the weekend, something i really need a pick-me-up for. nip/tuck, by the way, is getting steadily darker and more disturbing. who've thunk that, considering the issues explored in the first two seasons. heck, in the first season alone there was enough cause for our dear old friend the MDA to cut out entire chunks of the episodes broadcast here.
also, which is it? Nip/Tuck, nip/tuck, or NIP / TUCK?
the first is how it's commonly referred to in print and other publications, the second is how i prefer it and how FX Networks refers to it, including in promotional material and the website, and the third is how it's laid out in the opening sequence of the show itself. does any one know?
in seven and a half hours, first uncle will be here for the weekly lunch. my mom expects me to be over at her place in the afternoon, but my caretaker/aunt's gone back to malaysia for the weekend, and will only be back around nine PM. my first aunt, however, has to go back to the office and so will only be here at five PM. i don't really want to have to head out, or have to think so much about going, or before i can go out.
and, then, there's the week ahead. confusion, listlessness, a sense of non-belonging, a lack of purpose and drive. when's the next birthday? what's the next movie? who's buying a tablet? who's looking at powerbooks? is your home network broken? did windows finally give up the ghost on you? recently upgraded from an O2 xda mini to an O2 xda atom, and need help moving stuff over? should i still go over? should i still go to school? what are you coming for? what are you doing here?
these are the things i have to look forward to. or else i lose everything, including all keeping all my shit together.
also, which is it? Nip/Tuck, nip/tuck, or NIP / TUCK?
the first is how it's commonly referred to in print and other publications, the second is how i prefer it and how FX Networks refers to it, including in promotional material and the website, and the third is how it's laid out in the opening sequence of the show itself. does any one know?
in seven and a half hours, first uncle will be here for the weekly lunch. my mom expects me to be over at her place in the afternoon, but my caretaker/aunt's gone back to malaysia for the weekend, and will only be back around nine PM. my first aunt, however, has to go back to the office and so will only be here at five PM. i don't really want to have to head out, or have to think so much about going, or before i can go out.
and, then, there's the week ahead. confusion, listlessness, a sense of non-belonging, a lack of purpose and drive. when's the next birthday? what's the next movie? who's buying a tablet? who's looking at powerbooks? is your home network broken? did windows finally give up the ghost on you? recently upgraded from an O2 xda mini to an O2 xda atom, and need help moving stuff over? should i still go over? should i still go to school? what are you coming for? what are you doing here?
these are the things i have to look forward to. or else i lose everything, including all keeping all my shit together.
"You only live twice...
Or so it seems--one life for yourself, and one for your dreams...
You drift through the years...
And life seems tame...
'Till one dream appears, and love is its name...
And love is a stranger...
Who'll beckon you on...
Don't think of the danger, for the stranger is gone...
This dream is for you...
So pay the price...
Make one dream come true, you only live twice..."
- "You Only Live Twice", Nancy Sinatra
Saturday, January 7
a mess on the mattress
the mess is me, by the way.
i think i'm starting to put the weight that i lost whilst i was in china back on. must stop eating completely.
i am certain that somewhere within me is a thin person ("just the one, dear?"), just waiting to break out. however, i eat when i am depressed or upset, and there's no lack of food where i live, and where i live is very often upsetting. also, my life is very depressing.
hence.
went over to dax-and-cedric's today. got updated on a number of the lives i have neglected, and felt a bit left out, as i usually feel when i am around human beings not related to me by blood (conversely when i am around human beings who are related to me by blood, i feel far too left in, too involved). the fan-tastic burger by mcdonald's is horrible, so horrible i've decided to forget how it tastes and what it was, lest i become biased against the rice burgers at mos burger, which i've never tried and have been assured are miles better.
apparently matt got sent off into the army by xuan today. now, if it wasn't bad enough that xuan was the sender, it appears that he's already found someone he loathes in his bunk.
it's five AM. what am i doing up? right, my sleep cycle now starts at five AM and ends at three PM. must do better, must try harder.
i'm caught up. i don't know what to do.
i think i'm starting to put the weight that i lost whilst i was in china back on. must stop eating completely.
i am certain that somewhere within me is a thin person ("just the one, dear?"), just waiting to break out. however, i eat when i am depressed or upset, and there's no lack of food where i live, and where i live is very often upsetting. also, my life is very depressing.
hence.
went over to dax-and-cedric's today. got updated on a number of the lives i have neglected, and felt a bit left out, as i usually feel when i am around human beings not related to me by blood (conversely when i am around human beings who are related to me by blood, i feel far too left in, too involved). the fan-tastic burger by mcdonald's is horrible, so horrible i've decided to forget how it tastes and what it was, lest i become biased against the rice burgers at mos burger, which i've never tried and have been assured are miles better.
apparently matt got sent off into the army by xuan today. now, if it wasn't bad enough that xuan was the sender, it appears that he's already found someone he loathes in his bunk.
it's five AM. what am i doing up? right, my sleep cycle now starts at five AM and ends at three PM. must do better, must try harder.
i'm caught up. i don't know what to do.
Thursday, January 5
postscript
ignore the hyperlink in the post below. the original site's been taken down, and now it's some weepy we-didn't-raise-enough-for-charity pseudo-blog-entry.
tomorrow i am going to initiate the return of the guitar and the CDs, and the thumbdrive, and i think the Nokia. i almost forgot that i own a horribly mangled Nokia 8910.
i am so sick of this life.
tomorrow i am going to initiate the return of the guitar and the CDs, and the thumbdrive, and i think the Nokia. i almost forgot that i own a horribly mangled Nokia 8910.
i am so sick of this life.
oh, and one more thing (no, i'm not going to pull an iPod out of my jeans)
i have no clue how to react to the fact that kenneth went to mosh.
so for now i'm sticking with nonchalant-i-don't-care. in public, that is.
where there is free reign? i will get fucking upset if he went because it was a photo opportunity. because when i have expressed my feelings (or lack thereof) for an event that was quite simply taken from me and run out of my hands, i don't expect you to attend to take fucking photographs.
it feels like betrayal and treason, but that's just me being dramatic. there's nothing wrong with him going. there might be something wrong with why he went. there's definitely something wrong with the decision to let me find out nonchalantly, over his shoulder, referring to his photoblog.
now, if i'm flipping out because you like to wield a camera and release shutters, imagine how i'll react if it turns out you went because of friendship.
and, no, this isn't some cowardly, random, anonymous vent resulting from my inability to confront. life is exciting enough, and there will be a time for this to blow up and blow over, but right now i'm not up to it, when nothing is certain.
i remember complaining that livejournal didn't have a manic-depressive mood. blogger doesn't even have moods. so here it is: MANIC-DEPRESSED PERSON. DO NOT APPROACH WILLY-NILLY.
so for now i'm sticking with nonchalant-i-don't-care. in public, that is.
where there is free reign? i will get fucking upset if he went because it was a photo opportunity. because when i have expressed my feelings (or lack thereof) for an event that was quite simply taken from me and run out of my hands, i don't expect you to attend to take fucking photographs.
it feels like betrayal and treason, but that's just me being dramatic. there's nothing wrong with him going. there might be something wrong with why he went. there's definitely something wrong with the decision to let me find out nonchalantly, over his shoulder, referring to his photoblog.
now, if i'm flipping out because you like to wield a camera and release shutters, imagine how i'll react if it turns out you went because of friendship.
and, no, this isn't some cowardly, random, anonymous vent resulting from my inability to confront. life is exciting enough, and there will be a time for this to blow up and blow over, but right now i'm not up to it, when nothing is certain.
i remember complaining that livejournal didn't have a manic-depressive mood. blogger doesn't even have moods. so here it is: MANIC-DEPRESSED PERSON. DO NOT APPROACH WILLY-NILLY.
oh, and, also
whatever possessed iTunes to think that leaving out an alarming number of Madonna songs from auto-updating would be a good idea?
the haves and the have-nots
i cannot believe it. TV2 broadcasts Stargate Atlantis.
that's, like, a Malaysian television station. how can it be that they have that, and all we have is Stargate SG-1? which i don't watch?
in other news, my sleep cycle is still screwed up.
that's, like, a Malaysian television station. how can it be that they have that, and all we have is Stargate SG-1? which i don't watch?
in other news, my sleep cycle is still screwed up.
Wednesday, January 4
Tuesday, January 3
i may have watched wallace & gromit: the curse of the were-rabbit, but i've met king kong.
the perils of public transport. shot by sham, on his motorola razr, whilst on sbs transit service 65 running away from town.
eureka
i don't see why it takes you until now, at four in the morning, to come up with this, but why not just freaking buy a cheap seventy-dollar DVD burner for your Windows PC?
not exactly as elegant as burning DVDs right from your Mac, but it's cheap--hence feasible. finally the CD-Rs are going to stop stacking up.
not exactly as elegant as burning DVDs right from your Mac, but it's cheap--hence feasible. finally the CD-Rs are going to stop stacking up.
Monday, January 2
Sunday, January 1
The Sham, The Bitch And The Wardrobe
This is the mountain of unwanted computer hardware also known as shit that fell out of sham's wardrobe.
the new year; an other one
Here i am, six hours into the new year, not a clue what i'm going to do for the rest of my life. And it's killing me, not letting me sleep, keeping my brain on a continuous cycle of thinking and remembering and worrying and being afraid. And this is where i know: Life is not going to get any better.
Saturday, December 31
i have a theory
i have a theory that most people are currently in denial.
christmas was not fine. everything isn't, either. and nothing will be alright.
there is a reason why depression rates go up in the holiday season, and there is a reason why this is the time where everyone is reaffirming their beliefs and restating for themselves to see that everything is alright. that things are better.
in their blog, in their diares, in their journals, to their friends, to their familes, to their church, to their congregration, through text messaging, through phone calls, through email, though instant messaging, on television, on radio, in the newspaper, the books we read, the music we listen to, the television we watch and the movies we choose.
in the shower, in the mirror, in our heads, to ourselves, on our blogs.
christmas was not fine. everything isn't, either. and nothing will be alright.
there is a reason why depression rates go up in the holiday season, and there is a reason why this is the time where everyone is reaffirming their beliefs and restating for themselves to see that everything is alright. that things are better.
in their blog, in their diares, in their journals, to their friends, to their familes, to their church, to their congregration, through text messaging, through phone calls, through email, though instant messaging, on television, on radio, in the newspaper, the books we read, the music we listen to, the television we watch and the movies we choose.
in the shower, in the mirror, in our heads, to ourselves, on our blogs.
Friday, December 30
black plastic (not a PowerBook G3)
the mousepad my Apple Wireless Mouse is sitting on? an IBM ThinkPad 240X.
how much do i rock?
how much do i rock?
atarax versus vicodin
cool. according to wikipedia, i'm addicted to painkillers. now if only i was a genius diagnostician. then i would be something.
though "Khoo, M.D." really isn't as catchy as "House, M.D.".
though "Khoo, M.D." really isn't as catchy as "House, M.D.".
Thursday, December 29
Wednesday, December 28
what-fucking-ever
what fucking ever. this is what happens when you try. when you expect. when you plan. when you have hope.
you get disappointment, from being disappointed.
from your aunt's boyfriend, who wouldn't pick up his phone when he said he would, to your sister, who needs convincing to help collect a movie voucher for you and then leaves the area you're supposed to meet her in without so much as telling you that she was going to, to the entire nation watching the same fucking movies at the same fucking times, to subway suddenly being the ultra-cool, super popular food joint, all tables constantly full.
i fail to see how deigning to come down to town and risking my sanity to go out with and watch a movie with my friends should result in me being so smited by the powers that be. is there not one thing that can go right? i've read about people who always make it a point to find the one thing that's happened in their life each day, that makes that day worth living. always look on the bring side of life and all that. now i know that they must lead charmed lives. i find doing the same rather difficult.
everything blows. season's greetings. merry christmas. happy fucking 2006. onwards and downwards.
you get disappointment, from being disappointed.
from your aunt's boyfriend, who wouldn't pick up his phone when he said he would, to your sister, who needs convincing to help collect a movie voucher for you and then leaves the area you're supposed to meet her in without so much as telling you that she was going to, to the entire nation watching the same fucking movies at the same fucking times, to subway suddenly being the ultra-cool, super popular food joint, all tables constantly full.
i fail to see how deigning to come down to town and risking my sanity to go out with and watch a movie with my friends should result in me being so smited by the powers that be. is there not one thing that can go right? i've read about people who always make it a point to find the one thing that's happened in their life each day, that makes that day worth living. always look on the bring side of life and all that. now i know that they must lead charmed lives. i find doing the same rather difficult.
everything blows. season's greetings. merry christmas. happy fucking 2006. onwards and downwards.
school is cool
it's the place to be during winter break.
it's weird that only now am i in school during non-school days. oh well.
"if you're not here, you're not cool!"
--Syed Shameer Shah
it's weird that only now am i in school during non-school days. oh well.
Tuesday, December 27
Monday, December 26
grey's anatomy
please don't watch it. i don't want several thousand people watching the show i picked, liked, followed and loved before any of you even heard about it.
is nothing sacred any more? this isn't the first time this has happened.
is nothing sacred any more? this isn't the first time this has happened.
Multimedia message
I was going to say something about this being a bit too early, but i was told that they have been up since last chinese new year.
Saturday, December 24
bah, humbug
get off your sled and go to bed
don't you ever tire?
throw a bone i'm finally home
curled up by the fire
snow is falling from the sky
like ashes from an urn
sweet dreams my little one
now it's my turn
well christmas is going to the dogs
we'd rather have chew toys than yule logs
and things aren't looking very good it's true
so i'll just lay here and chew
now when i sleep i like to dream
of rabbits in the snow
jumping right into my jaws
from their rabbit holes
take one home and set him down
right next to you shoes
wake up to a big surprise
my gift to you
and christmas is going to the dogs
we'd rather have chew toys than yule logs
and things aren't looking very good it's true
so i'll just lay here and chew
and christmas is going to the dogs
we're scarfing down the turkey and eggnog
and things aren't looking very good it's true
so i'll just lay here and chew
so i'll just stay here and chew
don't you ever tire?
throw a bone i'm finally home
curled up by the fire
snow is falling from the sky
like ashes from an urn
sweet dreams my little one
now it's my turn
well christmas is going to the dogs
we'd rather have chew toys than yule logs
and things aren't looking very good it's true
so i'll just lay here and chew
now when i sleep i like to dream
of rabbits in the snow
jumping right into my jaws
from their rabbit holes
take one home and set him down
right next to you shoes
wake up to a big surprise
my gift to you
and christmas is going to the dogs
we'd rather have chew toys than yule logs
and things aren't looking very good it's true
so i'll just lay here and chew
and christmas is going to the dogs
we're scarfing down the turkey and eggnog
and things aren't looking very good it's true
so i'll just lay here and chew
so i'll just stay here and chew
dollars. not monkeys or donkeys.
it was eight-sixty-five to get home.
wow. amazing how one little thing like missing the last service thirteen bus can throw your entire day off.
it was already balancing precariously on the precipice, now it's gone over and down.
hey, i'm supposed to be at harborfront in less than nine hours. this means that i should have gone to bed over three hours ago.
cool.
wow. amazing how one little thing like missing the last service thirteen bus can throw your entire day off.
it was already balancing precariously on the precipice, now it's gone over and down.
hey, i'm supposed to be at harborfront in less than nine hours. this means that i should have gone to bed over three hours ago.
cool.
Friday, December 23
sweet home alabama
fricking weird people. i've been awake for less than ten minutes--i'm still on my fricking bed!--and they come in to tell me to come out and eat lunch.
hello? i'm still in my bed (read: thin mattress on the floor)? how about i brush my teeth and clean up and get settled into the idea of being awake before it is decided that i force-feed myself?
in related news, shocking truths uncovered about a couple of movies and a television show: sweet home alabama and legally blonde share female leads, and dr. mcdreamy from grey's anatomy is one of the male leads in sweet home alabama. the male lead from stealth (you know, the one who didn't die?) is the other male lead.
uh. okay.
i wonder what's for lunch, if they're so excited over it.
hello? i'm still in my bed (read: thin mattress on the floor)? how about i brush my teeth and clean up and get settled into the idea of being awake before it is decided that i force-feed myself?
in related news, shocking truths uncovered about a couple of movies and a television show: sweet home alabama and legally blonde share female leads, and dr. mcdreamy from grey's anatomy is one of the male leads in sweet home alabama. the male lead from stealth (you know, the one who didn't die?) is the other male lead.
uh. okay.
i wonder what's for lunch, if they're so excited over it.
the red sea
"mine's over already. you still on your period ah? you started before me leh!"
four a.m. in the house of khoo
four a.m. in the house of khoo
Thursday, December 22
you can take your s and stick them up your arse.
i am not in a good mood any more. and the medication is kicking in, so i shall proceed to sleep for sixteen hours. see you on the dark side.
Wednesday, December 21
the chronicles of ikea
"I wanna watch the lion, witch
and the wardrobe.
From: Kenneth Foo
3:47am 12/21/05"
my first response was: "yay for cs lewis and god."
samaria khoo came up with a better one: "then you should go to the zoo and ikea. the witch i don't know how."
i added the last bit, because my sister couldn't think of where one would find a witch in singapore, then appended my original response.
whoo. we khoos are hilarious.
gutted
i think i've decided to give up photography, and stop taking these bloody little buggers they call photographs.life is exciting.
Sunday, December 18
hotcakes with sausage
This is appalling. I’ve been waiting over fifteen minutes for my Hotcakes with Sausage. Where are they?
"skynetglobal"
This is sad. The McDonald’s at my place finally gets wifi, and my mac can’t connect to it.
Like I previously said, there is no place more soulless to eat at than a McDonald’s. Anyone with half a brain knows that if you’re not eating with family, you’re with a group of friends so unimaginative they can’t come up with somewhere else to eat. Otherwise, you’re a sad loser who doesn’t have anyone to eat with, and fast food is the only place where the servers and the other patrons won’t look at you funny when you ask for and sit at a table for one (partially because you don’t need to ask for a table). There’s a third option, and that’s that McDonald’s is having a promotion and you’re just here to sample its new wares. But, really. Your idea of new culinary experiences is checking out their new rice burger? Go to Mos Burger.
When will my hotcakes arrive? When will sham arrive? All great questions that I can’t ask anyone outside of my Mac, because I cannot connect to the wifi network here.
Like I previously said, there is no place more soulless to eat at than a McDonald’s. Anyone with half a brain knows that if you’re not eating with family, you’re with a group of friends so unimaginative they can’t come up with somewhere else to eat. Otherwise, you’re a sad loser who doesn’t have anyone to eat with, and fast food is the only place where the servers and the other patrons won’t look at you funny when you ask for and sit at a table for one (partially because you don’t need to ask for a table). There’s a third option, and that’s that McDonald’s is having a promotion and you’re just here to sample its new wares. But, really. Your idea of new culinary experiences is checking out their new rice burger? Go to Mos Burger.
When will my hotcakes arrive? When will sham arrive? All great questions that I can’t ask anyone outside of my Mac, because I cannot connect to the wifi network here.
Saturday, December 17
Friday, December 16
video killed the radio star
roland lim is extremely unattractive, and has no sense of color or style. he needs to do radio and get off television.
route thirteen
Now that i have my powerbook back, what? What am I going to do? Go back to school every day or every other tday? Sit at home and mope the days away? I no longer have real motivation to leave the house, with my powerbook and my xbox. I could stay at home all day long.
Diana Krall doesn’t sound llike she means it when she sings jingle bells. Which is all and good, but it’s not the attractive kind of uncheery singing. It’s the kind that’s painful; and difficult to listen to.
It would appear that no one has ever seen anyone with a powerbook on a bus before. The shinty glowy apple is new to them. The soft clacking of the keyboard. The subtle balancing of the powerbook as the bus shifts back and forth. The person sitting under it, typing away.
What’s he doing with a powerbook on a bus? Is he showing off? Maybe he’s from Nanyang Polytechnic, doing his homework. Or he’s a writer. Or he’s some very important business-type person, typing up a contract on his way to a client meeting.
Can’t be, what. I’m dressed down today. Polo tee and jeans. I half feel like making fake letter-type formatting at the tops and bottom of what I’m typing so that people will feel thrown off and the woman seated next to me won’t realize I’m actually writing nothing more than a blog entry.
Bishan Park? Man, have I chosen a weird bus route home or what?
Oh, and speaking of Diana Krall, I’ve decided I hate Jamie Cullum.
I don’t know how much longer I can take staying where I am now. Sooner or later something will result from the constant pressure, the constant watching everything I do and watching everything my siblings do., the weekends where going out is a danger, made to feel like a previllege.
I have now ascertained that Forza motorspot is included in the Christmas xbox racing pack, and now I want it. If only I had ninety0nine dollars.
How random one gets when one is on the bus, powerbook on his lap. The world is distracting.
Diana Krall doesn’t sound llike she means it when she sings jingle bells. Which is all and good, but it’s not the attractive kind of uncheery singing. It’s the kind that’s painful; and difficult to listen to.
It would appear that no one has ever seen anyone with a powerbook on a bus before. The shinty glowy apple is new to them. The soft clacking of the keyboard. The subtle balancing of the powerbook as the bus shifts back and forth. The person sitting under it, typing away.
What’s he doing with a powerbook on a bus? Is he showing off? Maybe he’s from Nanyang Polytechnic, doing his homework. Or he’s a writer. Or he’s some very important business-type person, typing up a contract on his way to a client meeting.
Can’t be, what. I’m dressed down today. Polo tee and jeans. I half feel like making fake letter-type formatting at the tops and bottom of what I’m typing so that people will feel thrown off and the woman seated next to me won’t realize I’m actually writing nothing more than a blog entry.
Bishan Park? Man, have I chosen a weird bus route home or what?
Oh, and speaking of Diana Krall, I’ve decided I hate Jamie Cullum.
I don’t know how much longer I can take staying where I am now. Sooner or later something will result from the constant pressure, the constant watching everything I do and watching everything my siblings do., the weekends where going out is a danger, made to feel like a previllege.
I have now ascertained that Forza motorspot is included in the Christmas xbox racing pack, and now I want it. If only I had ninety0nine dollars.
How random one gets when one is on the bus, powerbook on his lap. The world is distracting.
Thursday, December 15
how you been feeling?
it was apparant already. i wasn't exactly in a good mood days before departure, and i skipped ice-skating, something i actually really wanted to do, because to many people were going and i couldn't get a straight answer from the one person i would actually have wanted to come along. had a manic episode, then ran out the hostel to walk in circles for hours.
and, then, when the day of departure itself came, i was a daze. a walking cloud. refused to talk to anyone, especially those i considered closer or i cared about. barely acknowleged those i don't, those not privvy to how i was feeling. oddly enough those that weren't close or i didn't care as much about made up the bulk of those who asked about how i was. so it got to the point when, sitting in my living room for the last time, i was asked by someone i did care about and i thought was closer to me, i was too far gone to respond.
sat on the chair, walked around the apartment, laid on the bed, sat on the balcony floor, thought, listened, nothing. brought my luggage downstairs, out by the street. the last time i would be standing there, and of all things i decided to open up my suitcase to dig out the strap that was meant to be attached to the handle of my suitcase. it was meant to allow me to pull it along without having to lift up one end of the case, but what possesed me to notice it at that instant i will never know.
of course, i was the first on the bus when we could board. i couldn't take it any more, i didn't want to stand on the sidewalk and slowly contemplate the life i was leaving and the life i was headed back towards. i didn't want to buy cream puffs that would just make me miss the place more, right away. i didn't want to speak to anyone, do anything, i just wanted to sit and, as it turned out, cry my heart out.
i don't know if anyone did, but it was of no concequence if anyone noticed anyway. what could they have done, but offer their concern or lame enquires of "what's wrong?" anyway?
every-bloody-thing was wrong, dammit.
in the week before departure i decided to, against my better judgement, watch the series finale of Six Feet Under on my PowerBook, under the comforter, on the bed. it was comforting, but the ending depressingly sad, and made even more so by the excellent choice of Sia's "Breathe Me" as the soundtrack for the finale scenes, where they play out every character's death, intersped with Claire's Toyota Prius driving her away from her family, towards New York City.
guess which particular song i put on repeat on my iPod right after i got on the bus? i had her debut album and had already fallen in love with the song. i don't know how it happened, though, and whether it would have happened if i'd chosen something else or went without my iPod altogether, but like the clichéd dam bursting, it all came out. for the entire hour-odd ride to the airport, i let everything seep out, and bleed out, and cry out.
don't ever let it be said that you haven't seen me cry, if you weren't looking when i did.
when the airport loomed, i shut down. realizing that time wasn't going to turn itself back, the bus wasn't going to make a u-turn, i would have to get off and board the plane that was going to take me a step back towards the great nothing that was my birthplace, i switched everything off, got my luggage, collected the passports, and pushed myself on.
and that was supposed to be the end of that, but i guess i haven't yet let everything out yet, have i. right now i feel like i'm going through some weird menopause/mid-life-crisis kind of breakdown, except it's happening much slower than it's supposed to. when moods change often enough to confuse yourself, and you're paranoid, and uncomfortable in your own skin, you often anticipate a physical change to accompany that as well, and failing that you hope for something horrible to happen to compeltely devaste you and legitmize how you feel and let you show how you feel.
failing even that, you take things into your own hands.
and, then, when the day of departure itself came, i was a daze. a walking cloud. refused to talk to anyone, especially those i considered closer or i cared about. barely acknowleged those i don't, those not privvy to how i was feeling. oddly enough those that weren't close or i didn't care as much about made up the bulk of those who asked about how i was. so it got to the point when, sitting in my living room for the last time, i was asked by someone i did care about and i thought was closer to me, i was too far gone to respond.
sat on the chair, walked around the apartment, laid on the bed, sat on the balcony floor, thought, listened, nothing. brought my luggage downstairs, out by the street. the last time i would be standing there, and of all things i decided to open up my suitcase to dig out the strap that was meant to be attached to the handle of my suitcase. it was meant to allow me to pull it along without having to lift up one end of the case, but what possesed me to notice it at that instant i will never know.
of course, i was the first on the bus when we could board. i couldn't take it any more, i didn't want to stand on the sidewalk and slowly contemplate the life i was leaving and the life i was headed back towards. i didn't want to buy cream puffs that would just make me miss the place more, right away. i didn't want to speak to anyone, do anything, i just wanted to sit and, as it turned out, cry my heart out.
i don't know if anyone did, but it was of no concequence if anyone noticed anyway. what could they have done, but offer their concern or lame enquires of "what's wrong?" anyway?
every-bloody-thing was wrong, dammit.
in the week before departure i decided to, against my better judgement, watch the series finale of Six Feet Under on my PowerBook, under the comforter, on the bed. it was comforting, but the ending depressingly sad, and made even more so by the excellent choice of Sia's "Breathe Me" as the soundtrack for the finale scenes, where they play out every character's death, intersped with Claire's Toyota Prius driving her away from her family, towards New York City.
Song 10: Claire leaves for New York. Everything Ends.
Sia : Breathe Me
guess which particular song i put on repeat on my iPod right after i got on the bus? i had her debut album and had already fallen in love with the song. i don't know how it happened, though, and whether it would have happened if i'd chosen something else or went without my iPod altogether, but like the clichéd dam bursting, it all came out. for the entire hour-odd ride to the airport, i let everything seep out, and bleed out, and cry out.
don't ever let it be said that you haven't seen me cry, if you weren't looking when i did.
when the airport loomed, i shut down. realizing that time wasn't going to turn itself back, the bus wasn't going to make a u-turn, i would have to get off and board the plane that was going to take me a step back towards the great nothing that was my birthplace, i switched everything off, got my luggage, collected the passports, and pushed myself on.
and that was supposed to be the end of that, but i guess i haven't yet let everything out yet, have i. right now i feel like i'm going through some weird menopause/mid-life-crisis kind of breakdown, except it's happening much slower than it's supposed to. when moods change often enough to confuse yourself, and you're paranoid, and uncomfortable in your own skin, you often anticipate a physical change to accompany that as well, and failing that you hope for something horrible to happen to compeltely devaste you and legitmize how you feel and let you show how you feel.
failing even that, you take things into your own hands.
Tuesday, December 13
my Eyes don't want to Open any more
It’s six-twelve A.M.
What am I doing? Writing the speech for the opening of “Eyes Wide Opened” (I didn’t name it), the exhibition put on by the students that went on the exchange trip to China.
Is it wise for the speech to be written less than five hours before it’s meant to be read? No.
Is it wise for the work for the exhibition not to be ready yet? No.
What happened? I don’t know.
Everything seems last minute, bad decisions made left and right, the wrong attitudes all over the place, lackluster and poorly arranged photo exhibition, meaningless journals on display, uninteresting-at-best artifacts gleaned from the few people who bothered to contribute any. People who turn up to do nothing beyond reading other people’s journals and fucking around with the music on the laptop. All work compressed into the last two days before the exhibit.
A committee of one is not one at all.
My biggest fear? This turns out to be worse than the PID exhibition. Now I never went to the PID exhibition, because no one would go with me, but I have a suspicion we might not make it.
And to be worse than a PID effort? Is really, really, sadly, pathetic.
What am I doing? Writing the speech for the opening of “Eyes Wide Opened” (I didn’t name it), the exhibition put on by the students that went on the exchange trip to China.
Is it wise for the speech to be written less than five hours before it’s meant to be read? No.
Is it wise for the work for the exhibition not to be ready yet? No.
What happened? I don’t know.
Everything seems last minute, bad decisions made left and right, the wrong attitudes all over the place, lackluster and poorly arranged photo exhibition, meaningless journals on display, uninteresting-at-best artifacts gleaned from the few people who bothered to contribute any. People who turn up to do nothing beyond reading other people’s journals and fucking around with the music on the laptop. All work compressed into the last two days before the exhibit.
A committee of one is not one at all.
My biggest fear? This turns out to be worse than the PID exhibition. Now I never went to the PID exhibition, because no one would go with me, but I have a suspicion we might not make it.
And to be worse than a PID effort? Is really, really, sadly, pathetic.
Sunday, December 11
07-17-05_2303
hey, you know what? i don't know!
point a gun to my head, or twist my arm, though, and i'll venture the guess that there isn't one.
point a gun to my head, or twist my arm, though, and i'll venture the guess that there isn't one.
The Rain's A Pain, When It Does This
What the fuck does it rain at night for? Most people are asleep so no one's going to be able to enjoy it. It's already cooler after the sun goes down. So, what the fuck for? Save it for when the sun is in the sky!
kids, listen to aaron: don't read
i read too much, into too much, and too well.
i devour books, the newspaper, The Economist, magazines, read too much into awkward social situations, body language, tone, choice of words, reactions, apparent intelligence levels, what clothes they wear, what car they drive, what mobile phone they use, if they chose which mobile phone they use, Mac or Windows, kopi-peng or mocha latte, Gilmore Girls or Channel 8 dramas, HDB or condomium, music or popular culture, Pink Martini or Perfect 10, when my parents are fighting, when my father is being ridiculous, when my aunt is tense, when i'm not supposed to go out, if everyone's looking at my Motorola and drawing their own conclusions as to where or how i got it, who's waiting for my grandfather to die, who's waiting for my aunt to die so they can collect on her insurance and CPF and assets, when my mom is being normal and human-like, which my mom is being unreasonable and unfathomable, why i have to hide my PowerBook when relatives are over, why i have to stay in on weekends, why i have to endure the weekly sunday lunches, why i "was in Malaysia" when i was in China, when my parents are getting divorced, why they should have done it when i told them to do so when i was in primary two, religous: who is, and who isn't, and who will try to force it on you, who likes me, who doesn't, who confuse me, who's interested, who wants to fall asleep, who needs to get out more, where we all are headed.
it's one thing to be able to understand why China's bubble is going to burst, and why Apple can commandeer so much respect and marketshare when its core business isn't even ten percent of its market's marketshare, why some things are worth reading and some things i put down or never touch no matter how high they are on bestsellers' lists or how much i hear about them or how critically-acclaimed they are, or how Motorola is shamelessly catering to whoever will buy their phones, even why human beings act the way they do or do what they do.
it's another to spend your life overanalyzing everything from a one-word text message to everything little thing someone does or how someone treats you through an entire week, month, or life.
every little thing that you say or do; i'm hung up, i'm hung up on you.
i devour books, the newspaper, The Economist, magazines, read too much into awkward social situations, body language, tone, choice of words, reactions, apparent intelligence levels, what clothes they wear, what car they drive, what mobile phone they use, if they chose which mobile phone they use, Mac or Windows, kopi-peng or mocha latte, Gilmore Girls or Channel 8 dramas, HDB or condomium, music or popular culture, Pink Martini or Perfect 10, when my parents are fighting, when my father is being ridiculous, when my aunt is tense, when i'm not supposed to go out, if everyone's looking at my Motorola and drawing their own conclusions as to where or how i got it, who's waiting for my grandfather to die, who's waiting for my aunt to die so they can collect on her insurance and CPF and assets, when my mom is being normal and human-like, which my mom is being unreasonable and unfathomable, why i have to hide my PowerBook when relatives are over, why i have to stay in on weekends, why i have to endure the weekly sunday lunches, why i "was in Malaysia" when i was in China, when my parents are getting divorced, why they should have done it when i told them to do so when i was in primary two, religous: who is, and who isn't, and who will try to force it on you, who likes me, who doesn't, who confuse me, who's interested, who wants to fall asleep, who needs to get out more, where we all are headed.
it's one thing to be able to understand why China's bubble is going to burst, and why Apple can commandeer so much respect and marketshare when its core business isn't even ten percent of its market's marketshare, why some things are worth reading and some things i put down or never touch no matter how high they are on bestsellers' lists or how much i hear about them or how critically-acclaimed they are, or how Motorola is shamelessly catering to whoever will buy their phones, even why human beings act the way they do or do what they do.
it's another to spend your life overanalyzing everything from a one-word text message to everything little thing someone does or how someone treats you through an entire week, month, or life.
every little thing that you say or do; i'm hung up, i'm hung up on you.
Friday, December 9
chicken stuPID.
i paid ten dollars in cab fare to make it to Chicken Little (a complete and utter piece of filth missing one ingredient: PIXAR. bye-bye, Disney.) five minutes late.
this on top of being shouted at over the phone for not taking the train (i don't recall a train station being anywhere near Temasek Polytechnic. is it part of the Circle Line?), waking late and with this horrible crick in my neck, plus a migraine, plus allergies, plus being useless in school, plus not getting to see the video, plus, plus, plus.
i am so going to disappear.
this on top of being shouted at over the phone for not taking the train (i don't recall a train station being anywhere near Temasek Polytechnic. is it part of the Circle Line?), waking late and with this horrible crick in my neck, plus a migraine, plus allergies, plus being useless in school, plus not getting to see the video, plus, plus, plus.
i am so going to disappear.
Thursday, December 8
What are you doing here?
What am i doing here? Waiting for my grandfather to die, so that i can kill myself, guilt-free.
Wednesday, December 7
speak for myself
i've spent the good part of an hour establishing that the cd kenneth and jinghui (eta: dawn had a part in it as well, apparently) gave me for my birthday isn't copy-protected. i've even run it through four different Windows-based audio players. it's odd. this release, on this label, should be copy-protected. also note the big scary FBI warning label on the back. it features on the CD's cardboard cover, as well.
well, at least i won't have to exchange away the one thing i got for my birthday. not that i wanted anything reasonable, but yeah. it was nice.
Tuesday, December 6
Sunday, December 4
Saturday, December 3
my passport.
I won't be here tomorrow, so here it is, right now. I wish i was aborted. I've had enough. There's nothing i want to do right now. I didn't want to appeal, and now i no longer want to re-apply. I don't want to be on this trip where people are going to try to celebrate my birthday even when i've warned them not to. I don't want to go anywhere, anymore. And i miss my time in china.
I hereby give up.
Monday, November 28
garbage: garbage: milk; cool, i'm not
I am milk
I am red hot kitchen
And I am cool
Cool as the deep blue ocean
I am lost
So I am cruel
But I'd be love and sweetness
If I had you
I'm waiting
I'm waiting for you
I'm waiting
I'm waiting for you
I am weak
But I am strong
I can use my tears to
Bring you home
I'm waiting
I'm waiting for you
I'm waiting
I'm waiting for you
see you after the fifth, if i'm still around.
Sunday, November 27
gilmore girls: dear emily and richard
EMILY GILMORE: "I don't watch that much television. I don't find forensic work quite as fascinating as the rest of the world."
gilmore girls: take the deviled eggs...
SHERRY TINSDALE: "That's very nice, honey, but very unconvicing."
---
LORELAI GILMORE: "Hi, this is Sherry Tinsdale. Looks like there's a tie-up on the boulevard. They appear to be moving every building in Harvard University so now it's just 1.3 miles from my house. Nice job, guys.
RORY GILMORE: "You're awful."
LORELAI: "Oh, and lots of cars stopped at a blue light on Garvey Avenue. Why a blue light? Well, 'cause blue is the new red."
oh, and green is the new pink.
---
LORELAI GILMORE: "Hi, this is Sherry Tinsdale. Looks like there's a tie-up on the boulevard. They appear to be moving every building in Harvard University so now it's just 1.3 miles from my house. Nice job, guys.
RORY GILMORE: "You're awful."
LORELAI: "Oh, and lots of cars stopped at a blue light on Garvey Avenue. Why a blue light? Well, 'cause blue is the new red."
oh, and green is the new pink.
Friday, November 25
elizabeth on the bathroom floor
laying on the bathroom floor
kitty licks my cheek once more
and i, i could try
but waking up is harder when you wanna die
walter's on the telephone
tell him i am not at home
'cause i, think that i
am going to a place where i am always high
my name's elizabeth
my life is shit and piss
kitty licks my cheek once more
and i, i could try
but waking up is harder when you wanna die
walter's on the telephone
tell him i am not at home
'cause i, think that i
am going to a place where i am always high
my name's elizabeth
my life is shit and piss
Thursday, November 24
i love new york
If you don't like my attitude
Then you can f-off
Just go to Texas
Isn't that where they golf
New York is not for little pussies who scream
If you can't stand the heat
Then get off my street
get off my street
get off my street
you get off my street
get off my street
you get off my street
get off my street
you get off my street
get off my street
get off my street
Then you can f-off
Just go to Texas
Isn't that where they golf
New York is not for little pussies who scream
If you can't stand the heat
Then get off my street
get off my street
get off my street
you get off my street
get off my street
you get off my street
get off my street
you get off my street
get off my street
get off my street
oh, timothy, timothy
is it sad to see your cousins growing?
then hit them on their heads and stunt their growth!
then hit them on their heads and stunt their growth!
Wednesday, November 23
you can't win.
if you run a search with the words "hide" and "seek" on my blog, two entries will show up.
one, on september 11th this year, was a complete posting of the lyrics of Imgoen Heap's "Hide & Seek". it was a result of both the song being a complete and accurate representation of how i was feeling at that time, and me being to lazy to come up with a proper entry. sadly this leaves me unable to recall why i was feeling so sad at that point of time. sure as hell can't be because of September 11th itself--i don't give a rat's ass about that.
the other, on june 24th this year, still rings very true. except that there is far less that i can do about things right now.
life.
one, on september 11th this year, was a complete posting of the lyrics of Imgoen Heap's "Hide & Seek". it was a result of both the song being a complete and accurate representation of how i was feeling at that time, and me being to lazy to come up with a proper entry. sadly this leaves me unable to recall why i was feeling so sad at that point of time. sure as hell can't be because of September 11th itself--i don't give a rat's ass about that.
the other, on june 24th this year, still rings very true. except that there is far less that i can do about things right now.
life.
Tuesday, November 22
gilmore girls: it should've been lorelai
MRS. O'MALLEY: "The topic for today's debate is doctor-assisted suicide."
SOOKIE ST. JAMES: "That's pleasant."
SOOKIE ST. JAMES: "That's pleasant."
Monday, November 21
björk
i am not watching gilmore girls. my sisters are bathing, lazing or trying to cook, hence.
i am rebuilding my iPhoto Library.
life is exciting.
i am rebuilding my iPhoto Library.
life is exciting.
Sunday, November 20
Thursday, November 17
ok so here we go, if it works i'll let you know, one two three i say stop
save me save me
save me
wooh
i've gotta stop my mind
working overtime
it's driving me insane
ah wooh ah wooh
it will not let me live
always so negative
it's become my enemy
ah wooh ah wooh
save me, ah ah
save me, ah ah
save me, ah wooh
save me, ah ah
save me, ah ah
save me, ah wooh
why would I think such things
crazy thoughts have quick wings
gaining momentum fast
ah wooh ah wooh
one minute i am fine
the next i've lost my mind
to a fake fantasy
ah wooh ah wooh
and none of these thoughts are real
so why is it that i feel
so cut up and so bad
i need to take control
'cause my mind is on a roll
and it isn't listening to me
save me, ah ah
(thinking and thinking)
save me, ah ah
(thinking and thinking)
save me, ah wooh
(thinking and thinking)
save me, ah ah
(thinking and thinking)
save me, ah ah
(thinking and thinking)
save me, ah wooh
(thinking and thinking)
mirror mirror on the wall
who's the dumbest of them all
insecurities keep growing
wasted energies are flowing
anger, pain and sadness beckon
panic sets in in a second
be aware it's just your mind
and you can stop it anytime
save me, ah ah
(thinking and thinking)
save me, ah ah
(thinking and thinking)
save me, ah wooh
(thinking and thinking)
save me, ah ah
(thinking and thinking)
save me, ah ah
(thinking and thinking)
save me, ah wooh
(thinking and thinking)
ok so here we go
if it works i'll let you know
one two three i say stop
Wednesday, November 16
Monday, November 14
jinghui, then adrian.
happy birthday, adrian.
and happy was-a-birthday, jinghui.
i was going to get jinghui a copy of The Cardigan's "Long Gone Before Daylight", but i couldn't find one, and i wasn't cheap enough to lend her my copy as her gift.
i was going to bring a bottle of Absolut Vodka to adrian's party, but i didn't know just what kind of party it was, and decided against it. (by the way--adrian, i like you a whole lot, but i don't like your friends at all. maybe it's the toilet humor. maybe it's the level of humor. maybe it's what they take as birthday-party-conversation. maybe it's human behavoir. maybe it's the ukulele.)
i was going to get my life in order.
why do i always feel so wistful? like as if i've lived six decades and that everything is what-could-have-been.
i talked quite a bit during the first half of the long bus ride back home, to karen, and thought quite a bit during the second half of the long bus ride back home, by myself. what happens if nothing happens? what do i do?
i wish for a spectacular, stunning and stupefying accident to happen to me. something that is as obviously severe as how the rest of my life is so subtly severe, no one can see anything if you don't say a word.
i wish for a chance to do some things again. for the chance to not have done some things. for the chance to not have to do or experience some other things.
i wish for the chance to do what i like (Visual Communication), with people i like (the VSC-and-one-IMD-and-one-IAD people), when i like (now. right bloody now).
but, sadly, all i want for christmas is you.
and let's not even talk about my birthday, shall we?
and happy was-a-birthday, jinghui.
i was going to get jinghui a copy of The Cardigan's "Long Gone Before Daylight", but i couldn't find one, and i wasn't cheap enough to lend her my copy as her gift.
i was going to bring a bottle of Absolut Vodka to adrian's party, but i didn't know just what kind of party it was, and decided against it. (by the way--adrian, i like you a whole lot, but i don't like your friends at all. maybe it's the toilet humor. maybe it's the level of humor. maybe it's what they take as birthday-party-conversation. maybe it's human behavoir. maybe it's the ukulele.)
i was going to get my life in order.
why do i always feel so wistful? like as if i've lived six decades and that everything is what-could-have-been.
i talked quite a bit during the first half of the long bus ride back home, to karen, and thought quite a bit during the second half of the long bus ride back home, by myself. what happens if nothing happens? what do i do?
i wish for a spectacular, stunning and stupefying accident to happen to me. something that is as obviously severe as how the rest of my life is so subtly severe, no one can see anything if you don't say a word.
i wish for a chance to do some things again. for the chance to not have done some things. for the chance to not have to do or experience some other things.
i wish for the chance to do what i like (Visual Communication), with people i like (the VSC-and-one-IMD-and-one-IAD people), when i like (now. right bloody now).
but, sadly, all i want for christmas is you.
and let's not even talk about my birthday, shall we?
Sunday, November 13
last-minute-gift-girl
what happens when i ask my sister [samantha] for suggestions for adrian's birthday gift?
"i need a gift"
"come on! ask me! i'm last-minute-gift-girl! who's it for?"
"a friend"
"um, naturally! boy or girl?"
"male"
"okay i'm stumped"
"i need a gift"
"come on! ask me! i'm last-minute-gift-girl! who's it for?"
"a friend"
"um, naturally! boy or girl?"
"male"
"okay i'm stumped"
Wednesday, November 9
Tuesday, November 8
deep sleep
so the new alarm clock? it gives up too easily.
at least i got some sleep. first twenty hours back in the country, and i don't feel great, but at least i'm not feeling worse. all that should change once i get off my butt and head for school.
at least i got some sleep. first twenty hours back in the country, and i don't feel great, but at least i'm not feeling worse. all that should change once i get off my butt and head for school.
Saturday, November 5
be my friend.
so what happens when you run out of patience?
i got left behind. of course, there's a story explaining how, who and why, but, hello, i'm the king of stories. i can say for sure that that wasn't the truth, but it's entirely possible it was a lie. and i'm going with that right now, because i think adrian hates me. or, at least, has been scared off by me.
thanks, too, jacky. and jinghui.
housekeeping is in the room right now. apparently she's very keen on cleaning all the rooms on the floor she's assigned, 'cause when i headed out to ask her for an extra roll of toilet paper, she asked me if she could tidy up my room [i had the Do Not Disturb sign on the door]. i haven't figured out if it's just incredible work ethic or trying to case the room or my stuff, but i'm here, and my gut says it's the work ethic.
there is nothing to see in shanghai. i want to go ride the maglev train, but it seems kind of silly seeing as it only goes between the city and the airport, and shirlyn won't let me take the train to the airport on monday.
i'll hit the bund tomorrow if things get desperate. then the maglev train. should forget about M. too expensive, reservations needed, eating alone is just No.
i got left behind. of course, there's a story explaining how, who and why, but, hello, i'm the king of stories. i can say for sure that that wasn't the truth, but it's entirely possible it was a lie. and i'm going with that right now, because i think adrian hates me. or, at least, has been scared off by me.
thanks, too, jacky. and jinghui.
housekeeping is in the room right now. apparently she's very keen on cleaning all the rooms on the floor she's assigned, 'cause when i headed out to ask her for an extra roll of toilet paper, she asked me if she could tidy up my room [i had the Do Not Disturb sign on the door]. i haven't figured out if it's just incredible work ethic or trying to case the room or my stuff, but i'm here, and my gut says it's the work ethic.
there is nothing to see in shanghai. i want to go ride the maglev train, but it seems kind of silly seeing as it only goes between the city and the airport, and shirlyn won't let me take the train to the airport on monday.
i'll hit the bund tomorrow if things get desperate. then the maglev train. should forget about M. too expensive, reservations needed, eating alone is just No.
Friday, November 4
se7en
what i really, really want to do right now is to head to the top floor of the hostel, sit on the staircase, and just mope until i feel better.
but too many people would notice, wouldn't they.
but too many people would notice, wouldn't they.
Monday, October 31
conference
"i have radiohead, christian music, and someone watching kitty-cat stuff.
i am so confused right now."
i am so confused right now."
Friday, October 28
disaster struck--many times
and it all happened in Singapore, not here.
i'm in fact quite content to stay here, and not go back.
i'm not blogging as much as i thought i would be, but i think that's just because i have far less to complain about. and there's not point complaining about human beings, taking into account that that's what they are. human beings.
that's all. this made no sense whatsoever.
i'm in fact quite content to stay here, and not go back.
i'm not blogging as much as i thought i would be, but i think that's just because i have far less to complain about. and there's not point complaining about human beings, taking into account that that's what they are. human beings.
that's all. this made no sense whatsoever.
Monday, October 17
cold weather is your best friend
no, really, it is. i like it so much here i actually think about never going back.
this trip just proves to me that singaporeans are just sick, sad, wrong human beings.
this trip just proves to me that singaporeans are just sick, sad, wrong human beings.
Wednesday, October 12
i am the king of the world!
i have internet access! the wonders of a simple ethernet cable.
did you know that there exist people who can't grasp the concept of a wired network or wired internet access?
did you know that there exist people who can't grasp the concept of a wired network or wired internet access?
Tuesday, October 11
three minutes
i'm in someone else's session on the Free Internet access terminals at the transit mall at terminal one, so this is all i'm going to say:
see you in one month.
and now, the coffee from the bean and the tea from the leaf beckons.
see you in one month.
and now, the coffee from the bean and the tea from the leaf beckons.
Monday, October 10
Sunday, October 9
four line breaks
four line breaks or two with a horizontal line spanning half the page?
i can't decide between the two, and because of that my life is suddenly drawn to a complete halt. which looks better? the original formatting in the document i'm copying from had horizontal lines in it, but it's getting tiring to manually code in the horizontal lines. which wins, anal-retentiveness or natural laziness?
it's now 12:02 PM. anal-retentiveness won.
my mom is sending me to the airport tomorrow. i don't want anyone to send me there. i want to go by myself. i need a clean break.
i can't decide between the two, and because of that my life is suddenly drawn to a complete halt. which looks better? the original formatting in the document i'm copying from had horizontal lines in it, but it's getting tiring to manually code in the horizontal lines. which wins, anal-retentiveness or natural laziness?
it's now 12:02 PM. anal-retentiveness won.
my mom is sending me to the airport tomorrow. i don't want anyone to send me there. i want to go by myself. i need a clean break.
deadline
"oh my god since when did you grow breasts?"
"my period coming."
so is this why i have sisters?
"my period coming."
so is this why i have sisters?
Saturday, October 8
take a chance on me
“Yes, Rodney, that was my point. The world is a romance novel, and you are the main character.”
what will be, will be
this doesn't feel right. it's the last weekend before i leave for China. i should be, in the words of Betty, rocking out.
instead, here i am listening to Sympathique on my old Dell and catching up on email, livejournal, blogger and RSS. not by choice, but by default because of the lack of motivation to do anything the fuck else.
great. i just remembered to check the Detour shirt i wanted to buy online. and it's no longer for sale.
i feel sad.
instead, here i am listening to Sympathique on my old Dell and catching up on email, livejournal, blogger and RSS. not by choice, but by default because of the lack of motivation to do anything the fuck else.
great. i just remembered to check the Detour shirt i wanted to buy online. and it's no longer for sale.
i feel sad.
Wednesday, October 5
Monday, October 3
MIDI'ed up, and into the groove
I never liked George Michael much
Although they say he was the talented one
Andrew Ridgley drew the map
That rescued me, took me to paradise
I was brought up to the sound of the synthesiser
I learned to dance to the beat of electronic drums
I came alive to the smouldering fire in your eyes
I love you now and I will 'til the day that I die
I had a tooth pulled as a child
I put it underneath my pillow
And when I looked the very next morning
There was a ten pound note
I took it to the nearest record shop
I put it down upon the counter
I gotta tell you what I know to be true
I bought my first record because of you
I was brought up to the sound of the synthesiser
I learned to dance to the beat of electronic drums
I came alive to the smouldering fire in your eyes
I love you now and I will 'til the day that I die
I love everything
I love to be around money
A daughter of negative equity
A child of Black Wednesday (Blue Monday, Black Wednesday)
This is Sarah Nixey talking
MIDI'ed up and into the groove
I've got to tell you
What I know to be true
I didn't do too well at school
They said I couldn't concentrate
The day you flew off into the sunset
Was the day my education was saved
Then years later on Kensington High Street
I saw you drive a white convertible Golf GTI
Carefully edging out into the traffic
Just like a real live human being
I was brought up to the sound of the synthesiser
I learned to dance to the beat of electronic drums
I came alive to the smouldering fire in your eyes
I love you now and I will 'til the day that I die
Daddy lost everything
Our beautiful house, his beautiful sports car
His beautiful wife, I held his hand and told him
Everything would be all right
This is Sarah Nixey talking
MIDI'ed up and into the groove
I've got to tell you
What I know to be true
I was brought up to the sound of the synthesiser
I learned to dance to the beat of electronic drums
I came alive to the smouldering fire in your eyes
I love you now and I will 'til the day that I die
I was brought up to the sound of the synthesiser
I learned to dance to the beat of electronic drums
I came alive to the smouldering fire in your eyes
I love you now and I will 'til the day that I die
Although they say he was the talented one
Andrew Ridgley drew the map
That rescued me, took me to paradise
I was brought up to the sound of the synthesiser
I learned to dance to the beat of electronic drums
I came alive to the smouldering fire in your eyes
I love you now and I will 'til the day that I die
I had a tooth pulled as a child
I put it underneath my pillow
And when I looked the very next morning
There was a ten pound note
I took it to the nearest record shop
I put it down upon the counter
I gotta tell you what I know to be true
I bought my first record because of you
I was brought up to the sound of the synthesiser
I learned to dance to the beat of electronic drums
I came alive to the smouldering fire in your eyes
I love you now and I will 'til the day that I die
I love everything
I love to be around money
A daughter of negative equity
A child of Black Wednesday (Blue Monday, Black Wednesday)
This is Sarah Nixey talking
MIDI'ed up and into the groove
I've got to tell you
What I know to be true
I didn't do too well at school
They said I couldn't concentrate
The day you flew off into the sunset
Was the day my education was saved
Then years later on Kensington High Street
I saw you drive a white convertible Golf GTI
Carefully edging out into the traffic
Just like a real live human being
I was brought up to the sound of the synthesiser
I learned to dance to the beat of electronic drums
I came alive to the smouldering fire in your eyes
I love you now and I will 'til the day that I die
Daddy lost everything
Our beautiful house, his beautiful sports car
His beautiful wife, I held his hand and told him
Everything would be all right
This is Sarah Nixey talking
MIDI'ed up and into the groove
I've got to tell you
What I know to be true
I was brought up to the sound of the synthesiser
I learned to dance to the beat of electronic drums
I came alive to the smouldering fire in your eyes
I love you now and I will 'til the day that I die
I was brought up to the sound of the synthesiser
I learned to dance to the beat of electronic drums
I came alive to the smouldering fire in your eyes
I love you now and I will 'til the day that I die
Sunday, October 2
look here
Look Here.
I DID NOT FUCKING WANT TO BE THE GROUP LEADER. I DID NOT NOMINATE MYSELF.
i also did not appreciate practically HALF THE FUCKING CLASS nominating me for group leader when only three people in the class are in the same group as me.
that is all.
I DID NOT FUCKING WANT TO BE THE GROUP LEADER. I DID NOT NOMINATE MYSELF.
i also did not appreciate practically HALF THE FUCKING CLASS nominating me for group leader when only three people in the class are in the same group as me.
that is all.
x-type
My first uncle, his wife, and his eldest daughter have just arrived. They smell like their Jaguar, which after all this time still has that nauseating new-car smell that is actually hazardous to your health, and does nothing for me beyond giving me a migraine and nausea.
As usual, they’ve brought a half a chicken and a quarter of a pig along with them for lunch. A lunch for five people, three of which eat half that of a normal human being’s intake. I will never understand it.
The weakness is still there. The mind is unwilling, and the flesh is weak, too many things, too little desire to see anything through.
You, will be, the death, of me.
And our time is running out.
As usual, they’ve brought a half a chicken and a quarter of a pig along with them for lunch. A lunch for five people, three of which eat half that of a normal human being’s intake. I will never understand it.
The weakness is still there. The mind is unwilling, and the flesh is weak, too many things, too little desire to see anything through.
You, will be, the death, of me.
And our time is running out.
Saturday, October 1
let you down
something's wrong. i go to bed at ten at night and wake at five in the evening. sleep for seven hours and have to take a three-hour nap not five hours later. and i still feel like constant shit, like moving off my bed or off my seat will stir up such shit and drain me so much, it's not worth the effort.
the China trip hasn't bored me yet, surprisingly, but it has despaired, discouraged, disheartened and i have lost the excitement of it. take, for instance, my toiletries. my mom got me what appears to be a liter of Dove body soap, and another liter of Head & Shoulders shampoo. the two bottles combined are three times the volume and twice the weight of my PowerBook. then, my aunt, after bitching and moaning about my mother's common sense, gets me a smaller double pack of Head & Shoulders shampoo and conditioner. then, my first aunt gets me a smaller bottle of Head & Shoulders shampoo. every one is making this huge fuss.
i don't think i'm going to be out of this funk any time soon, and i think this is going to be problem.
the China trip hasn't bored me yet, surprisingly, but it has despaired, discouraged, disheartened and i have lost the excitement of it. take, for instance, my toiletries. my mom got me what appears to be a liter of Dove body soap, and another liter of Head & Shoulders shampoo. the two bottles combined are three times the volume and twice the weight of my PowerBook. then, my aunt, after bitching and moaning about my mother's common sense, gets me a smaller double pack of Head & Shoulders shampoo and conditioner. then, my first aunt gets me a smaller bottle of Head & Shoulders shampoo. every one is making this huge fuss.
i don't think i'm going to be out of this funk any time soon, and i think this is going to be problem.
under the skin
"Give me the pen," Rodney said.
"What for?"
"I want to write liar across your stupid forehead," Rodney said.
"What for?"
"I want to write liar across your stupid forehead," Rodney said.
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